: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
