My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
