just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
