the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
