Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
