Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
