I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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