i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
