people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
