I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
