If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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