so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
