So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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