even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
