I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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