ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
