it hurts more in the daytime
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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