What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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