you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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