I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
