He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
