too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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