sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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