I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
