and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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