I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
