Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
