Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
