And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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