She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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