I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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