I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
