so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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