PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Two words: nipple clamps
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