I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My bed smells like the plague
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
