youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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