I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
