question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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