He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
