why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
