I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
