she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
