I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
