My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
