I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
