can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
