Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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