So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
