why do cheetos always look like penises
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
