I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
