Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
