I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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